Spiders (2013)

spidersYou know how I know “Spiders” is set in New York and not in a cleverly shot in a studio with the same set pieces re-used over and over again? Becawse Patrick Muldoon tawks like dis tru most of da movie. Youse guys and yaw clichés about New Yawkers! Hey, I’m walkin here! It sounds like I made a bad funny, but a character actually shouts that a half hour in to the movie. Because it’s not Canada if you don’t say “eh,” and it’s not New York if you don’t pay homage to Ratzo Rizzo.

Muldoon as Jason talks like a Brooklynite from the forties, just so we can buy that the entire film is set in the Big Apple. Which is not to say Patrick Muldoon is a bad actor, it’s just hilarious how much he’s willing to commit to the role by adopting a typical New York accent. Muldoon plays Jason, a New York police officer tasked with investigating the crash of space debris from a Russian satellite. When it crashes underground, it accidentally unleashes a slew of mutated spiders that begin getting larger and more ferocious. But will he make it to his daughter’s birthday? But he doesn’t have it all bad since Muldoon is surrounded by a slew of gorgeous women in the film from Chris Campbell as his ex wife Rachael, and the vivacious Jon Mack as a gorgeous doctor who helps Jason in uncovering the mystery of the spiders. When Jason’s friend is mysteriously murdered in the crash site, Jason begins inspecting and soon finds the government wants to keep him shut. But will he make it to his daughter’s birthday? Muldoon looks the part but can barely deliver convincing lines.

He also rarely seems believable as a crusty New York cop. “Spiders” spends so much unusual time around the government trying to cover up the crash and what’s in the craters, but doesn’t deliver on the spider carnage well in to the movie. Why call it “Spiders” for the monsters to be only a secondary idea for the whole film? “Spiders” is much too stern to be considered a fun monster movie romp, which is a shame, because formula dribble like this makes for some primo late night entertainment. Especially when it’s Patrick Muldoon battling those damn arachnids.  Jason’s daughter Emily and wife Rachael are stuck in their apartment due to the government quarantining them due to Rachael’s research on the spiders and now Jason must find a way to get to them while dodging the massive spiders that are beginning to rise from the tunnels.

But will he make it to his daughter’s birthday? Ultimately “Spiders” is bogged down by its convoluted plot an numerous plot threads that go nowhere. There are sub-plots about Russians engineering spiders for war, and the US government wanting their own spiders, as well as covering up the plot to seize the queen spider for nefarious purposes. It’s all so pointless when see trained US soldiers too dumb to realize their bullets are barely hurting the spiders, but just keep shooting them to no avail. Director Tibor Takacs “Spiders” takes itself too seriously to enjoy as a silly giant spider movie, and it’s much too silly to be watched as a stern action movie with a commentary on the government. It’s right in the middle ground as a mediocre missed opportunity with moderately respectable special effects.

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