Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet (2005)

bgodpI have a thing for Misty Mundae. She has a cute perky little body and a ghetto booty you can just sleep in for days. She has a gorgeous face that doesn’t require too much make-up and she can pull off ridiculous comedy. And if you saw her in “Masters of Horror,” she’s not a bad actress. But most of her career has been spent making some of the worst movies of all time, the lowest common denominator entertainment titles involving zombies, and monsters, all of which are so bottom of the barrel, they’re practically non-existent. “Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet” is one of those awful movies. Clocking in at barely an hour, this horrible softcore porn is basically an excuse to show display mild girl on girl.

Among the women in the Lost Planet are Misty Mundae, Lily Tiger, and the incredibly sex Ruby LaRocca. The movie has about all of the production qualities and creativity of “Plan Nine.” The special effects are ancient, the acting is stilted and wooden, the editing is shockingly bad, and the sets are less believable than your local carnival fun house. Beyond that there are claymation dinosaurs, all of whom barely show up at all and when depicted on-screen are just a laughable lot. This is a movie that would likely be too hardcore for Cinemax Late Night (since there is visible penetration filmed), it’s basically two sexy women traveling in to space to observe the lesbian activities of a group of female primates.

They’re all sexy, skimpy, well fed, and well groomed cavewomen, of course, and about eighty percent of the film involves our actresses (I use that term very loosely in this instance) implementing what they likely perceive is improv as they grunt, pick at one another’s hair, and inevitably get wrangled in to sexual affairs with one another. Obviously the two “scientists” on this space ship are attractive as well, and as they watch from above, they can barely help from being turned on and flirting with one another throughout the course of the tedium. There isn’t a single shred of narrative that takes place in this production as it’s mainly just an excuse to stage a lot of girl on girl and masturbation sequences, most of which suffer thanks to the poor editing.

Along the way there are some vain attempts are comedy with fart jokes, and violent gags, but none of it ever lands with a wit or self-aware setting that could bring audiences in to the joke. When the proceedings come to a merciful end, it’s really only an indication that Seduction Cinema and Misty Mundae are offering their fans the same old routine, and sadly enough, the pair have given viewers so much better. A bust all around, “Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet” is an absolutely tedious and boring softcore porn romp that is so concerned with featuring endless girl on girl scenes that it loses touch with its attempts at schlock and monster movie fare. With twenty more minutes, this could have resulted in something of a pleasing B movie, but its apparent lack of budget makes it a woefully forgettable and best forgotten mess.