Want to make a monster movie but don’t have enough of the resources? It’s easy. Cast a cult actor for about five minutes, litter your film with nothing but character actors, and include a man in a monster suit draped in the shadows the entire time. “Sasquatch Mountain” is not a ride on Six Flags, but a pretty lame monster movie that I happened to catch on television recently. Shot in a rather annoying blue tint for the entire film, “Sasquatch Mountain” involves mercenaries, hillbilly hunters, a Blair Witch themed sub-plot, and Cerina Vincent as a hostage. I adore how these horror films try to include everything for everyone, and neither of the attempts is amusing.
You can sense the sheer desperation by the directors to create something compelling since the budget for the monster suit is low. So, instead, we’re subjected to forty minutes of our mercenaries arguing, bickering, fighting, waiting in the woods, and muttering such dramatic dialogue as: “See, what we got here is a Mexicano Stand Off.” The rest of the film is comprised of our villains jabbering back and forth, the writer attempting to force characterization, and a lot of melodrama that never makes “Sasquatch Mountain” remotely watchable. And of course, everyone is lusting over Vincent’s character… wait that’s not much of a stretch. I like Cerina Vincent. She sets my soul on fire. Not just a spark, but a flame.
A big roaring flame. She makes even the worst films bearable, and the most ridiculous films watchable. “It Waits”? Hell, she made me believe that a hot chick could be a park ranger. “Cabin Fever”? She made that unwatchable piece of horse vomit slightly more bearable. “Another Teen Movie”? She was nude throughout the entire film. Need I say more? She’s busty, most of her acting revolves around her puffing her chest and muttering her dialogue in her silky whisper, and I love her.I really wish I had more of a review for you to read, but I’ll admit, there’s not much to “Sasquatch Mountain.” It’s yet another really boring, really forgettable, and awfully redundant monster movie that takes itself too seriously. But I’ll go easy on it since Cerina Vincent makes me think naughty thoughts.