This is the day in the life, the day in the life of some clerks. These clerks work at a local store which never gets much business yet they still manage to experience many crazy customers and have stories to tell. No, this isn’t a Kevin Smith movie, but “Kisses and Caroms” really wishes it were. I like the fact that people tend to think every profession sports a slew of assorted characters and various nuts, but that’s just not life; life is not filled with nuts and outlandish weirdo’s who trot in and out to give you a hard time. Thanks a lot Kevin Smith, you prick. So instead of a video and convenience store we instead focus on a group of clerks who work at a billiard store.
This store allows for our characters to sit around talking, and talking, and talking about sex, and friendships, and pop culture, while models walk in and out and shoot pool in the back talking, and talking, and talking about sex, and friendships, and pop culture. “Kisses and Caroms” is very much a laughless comedy where the script takes itself much too seriously to be funny, and when it tries to be funny it resorts to gags such as crazy customers and Lesbian kissing that’s there for a cheap grab at the men. Suffice it to say, the comic timing of off by about three hours and there was never much of a story to watch. Three guys and a girl work in a billiard store, they know about billiards, and they talk a lot with one another.
Our main character whose name I forget (we’ll call him Dante) has a girlfriend who he’s not really in love with, in spite of having a threesome the night before, while his friend (we’ll call him, oh, Randall) pops one-liners, torments the geeky employee, while our main character wonders if his girlfriend is one he should marry. As you can tell, there are very obvious “Clerks” and Kevin Smith allusions that never work in the film’s favor, and instead bring it down to nothing more than a “Clerks” homage—or rip-off, I haven’t decided yet. The script is so self-congratulatory, with characters that never seem genuine, so their chemistry and interplay is forced. It’s a sex comedy without the romp or sleaze, and occasional sex scenes thrown in for the mere shock value that’s never as shocking as it wishes it could be.
I enjoyed the obvious stick and cue balls being a hilarious innuendo for a penis and testicles, because in terms of adult humor, “Kiss and Caroms” has its head in the right place. There’s pretty entertaining sexual humor, including one where we watch a woman who has just sneezed all over herself pick her nose in front of the mirror. It’s funny because of the sheer deadpan done with it. And I’d like to thank Nicole Rayburn helped me get through an otherwise forgettable experience. Her utter sexiness and charisma from the beginning makes “Kisses and Caroms” a worthwhile experience only to see her bend over and reveal her g-string. Nicole Rayburn, I’d like to thank you for getting me through “Kisses and Caroms”, because while it’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen presenting occasional sprinkles of comedy here and there, I wish it wasn’t just another “Clerks” clone. The definition of hell? Watching endless clones of a movie you don’t even like.