John Tucker Must Die (2006)

Dear Brittany Snow,

I love you. And I want you to know it. I’ve loved you since “American Dreams”, and have ever since. I’d gladly listen to a continuous loop of “Secret Lover” as sung by Kevin Federline, and William Hung just to have the chance to eat grapes off of your ass crack and confess my unrequited love to thee while you parade yourself in the red silk lingerie you’re featured in midway. Yes, this is true. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. You say creepy, but I say lovelorn. I’m only human, damn it!

And we’re back.

My sheer six year infatuation with Brittany Snow not withstanding, “John Tucker Must Die” is not as bad as I expected it to be. Granted, it’s not a Marx Brothers flick, but it manages to offer fleeting escapist entertainment, and who says we can’t enjoy that once in a blue moon? And what’s so bad about seeing Sophia Bush, Ashanti, and Arielle Kebble having a knockdown drag out? Nothing. Nothing at all. In fact, I’d watch almost anything with Kebble or Snow in it. If the character don’t make you want to kill them, then the endless basketball analogies will make you go shopping for a shotgun. This is yet another “men are evil, women are hot” movies that really show the evils of all men, or normal men.

But, you’ll be glad to know that “John Tucker Must Die” is very faithful to life. Three bitches date an asshole, the bitches expect the asshole to change, get mad when the asshole acts the asshole, and seeks revenge feeling justified in it because they thought the asshole would change, yet never examine that they’re pure idiots for doing so—and the cycle continues. Ah, amore. And then to make it worse, in the climax, his brother proclaims, “Everyone knows John Tucker cheats, he’s John Tucker! But they still line up for him.”

And we’re supposed to sympathize with the women… right? But Lowell’s screenplay shamefully rips heavily from “Mean Girls” with narration, examinations of fellow students, the blonde mom vainly attempting to bond with the young girls, and the heroine pitting them all against one another: all present and accounted for. Yet instead of animals being used as analogies for students, Snow’s character uses John juxtaposed to the men she’s experienced whom have dated her mother. Still trying for the comedy, eh Jenny McCarthy? Sad.

Worst of all, we’re expected to side with the girls when really they are so damn stupid trying to destroy John and only end up benefiting him in the end. So, the hackneyed writing inadvertently takes a turn in siding with John. Not to mention the character Kate is really nothing but a better looking Hilary Duff who has no real likable aspects about her and is a complete bubblehead. On some level, I liked “John Tucker Must Die,” because if anything it succeeds in being passable romance comedy entertainment. The film has its humorous moments with some funny gags and quick wit cushioned by the gorgeous female cast.