It Waits (2005)

ItWaits3If you can believe Cerina Vincent is a park ranger, then the writers have won half the battle. Vincent plays the busty park ranger Danielle ala Russ Meyer, who is a whiney emo alcoholic mourning the loss of her friend, and seems like a well enough heroine forced to fight off a monster. Sure, she’s about as far-fetched as a park ranger as Denise Richards was a rocket scientist, but in the end I was willing to ignore the lapses in logic, and power on through. Cerina Vincent is gorgeous in a film that allows her to flaunt her curves while also playing the strong heroine battling a ferocious enigmatic beast from beyond. The concept for “It Waits” is simple. Busty park ranger fights monster in forest with her pet parrot. That’s the best way I can describe “It Waits” in one sentence.

We wait… and we wait… and we wait… and nothing. Heroine and hero talk, heroine and hero flirt, heroine reveals her sordid past. Heroine talks to her parrot. Heroine boinks hero. Hero is a martyr, heroine cries. And we wait… the creature kills two hikers. And we wait… Heroine learns about the monster. Heroine discovers the origin of the monster. Heroine explores the monster’s home, Heroine waits. Heroine sets a trap. The Heroine asks her parrot to signal her when the monster comes. The parrot becomes a sidekick. And we wait for the monster. And the monster barely ever appears at all. All this time, we’re waiting for something good to happen, but in its short running time, we go a whole forty-five minutes without the monster even showing its form. And we wait. What in god’s name did Danielle’s story about the crash have anything to do with the actual plot?

And, knowing there’s a powerful flesh-eating monster on the loose, why does she sit outside in plain view mourning her hunky boyfriend? Vincent is likable enough and a decent enough actress to warrant the weak one-liners and makes a solid heroine. “It Waits” suffers, though, from really weak character emphases that I cared nothing about, including Danielle’s story and incessant moaning about a car crash months before. And we focus too much on the romance between Danielle and Justin with an attempted emotional gauge that never works. “It Waits” also has the distinction of being graced with one of the most annoying horror characters, a blue bird that literally aides in the death of the monster. I really wanted it to die first, but sadly, the death never came. In the end, “It Waits” is a pretty good action horror film comprised of really good direction ala Monroe who knows how to draw tension and mount it inch by inch.

I actually found myself impressed by much of the camera work here and was surprised a DTV film could look so crisp and bright. Also featured are rather solid performances from Vincent who really knows how to make her character likable and bring the audience to her side. Not to mention the monster design is very convincing, and the final revealing of the monster’s form is a well enough pay off. “It Waits” is a fun and tense monster romp. Though it’s not the worst DTV movie I’ve ever seen, and while it does have the occasional moment, it’s still rather weak. “It Waits” is a movie filled with okay’s. An insanely sexy actress gives an solid performance with an okay male lead involving an okay plot, an okay monster, and an okay final product. And now I wait for Cerina Vincent to call me. It’s going to be a while, folks.