Alien 51 (2004)

alien-51-vhs-front2[In reference to our main character Cleo]
Randy: Does she seem a little off to you?
Officer: She’s hot, Randy. She can be as off as she wants.

It’s a pretty safe bet that “Alien 51” is quite possibly one of the worst science fiction monster movies I’ve ever seen. I challenge you to find something else so creatively impotent, so utterly derivative, and so nonsensical as the movie I spent ninety minutes drudging and fast-forwarding through. Nothing in this film makes the slightest lick of sense, and it’s clear that either the script was horribly done, or the directors lost so much money, they literally spent the second half simply winging it, coming up with a remaining plot that is so stupid. You know a movie is desperate when it’s biggest star is Heidi Fleiss, you know a movie is desperate when it boasts “Starring Heidi Fleiss”, and you know a movie is desperate when its big attempted draw-in was a has been model who appears as a mustache twirling villainess.

“Alien 51” wishes it could be considered a B science fiction film. As far as grades go, it’s a Z science fiction film that’s so bad it’s not even entertaining or worth laughing at. The title alone gauges at a marketing scheme inserting Alien and 51 cleverly to keep audiences interested, but mark my words, there’s nothing remotely redeemable about this trash. The makers want us to believe that star Phoebe Falconer who looks like a porn star, and runs around in skimpy clothing, is an actual scientist who created a top secret project. Also, it doesn’t help the illusion much when the movie looks for any excuse to get her naked. She even tears off her shirt at one point to show another character scars on her chest which could have easily been shown had she simply lowered the neck, but then we couldn’t forget how shitty this is if we didn’t see her utterly beautiful yabboes. In the looks department, she’s a sight for sore eyes, but if you’re looking for a compelling performance, you’re clear out of luck here, folks. There’s a creature roaming the countryside, is it an alien, or an experiment?

We’re never told. It’s killed a bunch of people and there’s no one to come and investigate it except our character Cleo who has a mysterious connection to it that’s never explained. But does it really matter with this type of low-grade comedy schlock that is played for real drama? It’s laughable it took two directors to completely botch this (as if it ever had a  chance.) But directors Brennon Jones, and Paul Wynne show that two directors doesn’t mean an automatic quality film. The directing is so utterly inept, and some shots go completely out of focus and trail off the actors during chase sequences. It’s fun attempting to figure out what’s happening during the fuzzy sequences, and the hilariously bad theme music and soundtrack which sound like rejected “Ah-Ha” music. And dear lord is there a hell of a lot of padding here, as we follow characters for minutes on end only to see them die in the most hilarious fashion, not to mention we spend three minutes on one of the characters peeing down the roadside.

The opening with the couple for example, is obviously padding; Funny how parties in horror movies can only be traveled through deserted paths, and watch the hilarious sequence when the girl sits in the car for four minutes screaming her lungs out as the alien slowly stalks on her. The monster, smartly shown in mist, darkness, and fog in only portions looks like a mental patient dressed in a cheap costume from a roadside horror shop. You can see the wrinkles in the plastic from the costume and all. Everything during this is extremely low-tech from the hilariously bad acting (if you look closely you can see some of the actors struggling to keep straight faces), to the story (If they are around Area 51, as hinted, why are there no armed guards, or security? And why are there always tourists?), to the special effects (the budget is so low, a house explodes, and the only rubble is a small black flaming tire that rolls by a character, and the house magically is unharmed seconds later appearing in the  background).

Not to mention the dialogue is so aesthetically stimulating including such nuggets as “You sure know a lot about something, you say you don’t know nothing about.” I know, Shakespeare himself couldn’t have said it better. And the main character declares they must find where the thing sleeps considering they have no idea where it even is, nor do they know how to find it in the mountains and caverns. And the characters love to state the obvious as our intelligent heroine declares, “This thing is a biological killing machine”, really? I didn’t gather by the dead bodies. Ultimately, there’s no value in “Alien 51” whatsoever, it’s just yet another shitty science fiction farce in the age of low-budget spectacles. Aliens roam the countryside killing people, hilarity ensues, Heidi Fleiss reaches a new low, horrible acting, terrible directing, an utterly confusing, pointless, incomplete plot, and ninety minutes worth of the biggest plot holes, inconsistencies, and D grade special effects you’ll ever see. But hey, At least there’s Phoebe Falconer.