The Stepford Wives (2004)

No seriously, is this a real movie? No seriously. And studios wonder why they’re in a state of decline. Now, I’ve never seen the original “Stepford Wives”, which I recall was more of a grim statement about feminism, but I can easily imagine that it was ten times better than this, as is always the case. So, as if there weren’t enough male bashing in this militant neo-feminist, politically correct age where men are inbred, dumb, fat monsters, and women are smart, beautiful, flawless beings, we get this ridiculous remake. Ridiculous is just me holding my tongue, mind you, because what I really want to call it, would offend even Lenny Bruce. In a nut shell, this is further male bashing about a male bashing society  seeking revenge by male bashing those who are tired of being relegated to subservient positions.

Call me sexist, but why are men depicted as ogres here, and the women as victims, when in actuality, the women are haggard shrews and the men are just trying to catch up. Because we’re supposed to feel sorry for and root for Kidman’s character, a haggard shrew who loves to exploit men for her own career and when she harkens upon this society, she discovers they’re doing something to women, and in the climax she wins again. There, I saved you ninety minutes. You should be thanking me. Oh, and there are two gay characters added for no other reason than a “Will & Grace” twist, and for a feign attempt at comedic effect. So, either way, there’s no surprise in the fact that this dreck was troubled production-wise before it stumbled in to theaters, because this is just a mess of a movie wasting its talents of Nicole Kidman, Matthew Broderick, Glenn Close, and Christopher Walken.

The film is very rushed starting with the basic broad introduction and emphasis of Kidman’s character, then she’s fired in a ridiculous and awful sequence involving facial expressions, and Broderick’s character gets a job at Stepford and they move there obviously noticing something isn’t right with the women there. What emerges is what the women here consider ghastly, but isn’t played for the right effect. Instead of watching these lobotomized women forced in to submission and thinking “My god, that’s morbid”, instead director Frank Oz plays it more for “Oh, isn’t that funny?” with a twist of homosexuality. We watch the women “exercise” and serve their husband’s every beckon call, but nothing is ever played for morbid and ends up becoming really stupid. Within the pointless “satire” and attempts at comedy, it’s more sad to watch these talented actors stuck in to this garbage

than to watch them try and make sense out of story. Within all the “commentary” and spoofing, instead of remaining true to the material, it just ends up becoming insanely senseless. Is Nicole Kidman trying to test her appeal by starring in these mainstream crap-o-ramas and then do a critically acclaimed drama? Is this her vanity talking here? Or just her inadvertent submission to her agent? Regardless, the script is all over the place never making the least bit of sense or logic for the audience and is just insanely idiotic. While it tends to try and spoof the whole genre of reality shows, and
make a statement about society and the battle of the sexes, it really does end up becoming a statement about how feminism has become less about woman individuality, and more about militant anti-male sentimentality.

Essentially this has a double purpose, it presents us with a bash of these womanly drones, makes it look appealing and then we feel guilty that it’s actually kind of hot to imagine an army of hot subservient women. I mean seriously, is it so horrible to imagine hot subservient women? I ask you. Call me a caveman, but fuck you, these women were hot. And of course, the ending just has to be changed so the women win in the end, all to keep the writers out of the doghouse with a truly morbid ending, yet instead goes for the safe climax where men lose out. God forbid there be an ounce of originality. And there is, of course, the biggest blatant gaping plot hole I’ve ever come across in a movie, ever. If they’re implanting chips in to the women to make them submissive, why does Broderick’s character discover a robot that looks like his wife? Which is it, chips or robots?

Which is it, mind controlled drones, or robotic doubles? Pick one! If it’s robots, how do they get rid of the wives? Do they murder them? Put them in a state of comatose? Hide their bodies? If it’s chips, how do they surgically implant them? Why are there no scars, or wounds? Why were there no scars in Kidman’s character? How did she pretend to be a drone when she had the procedure done to her in front of the men? Who the fuck knows? I don’t think even the writers know. So, I’ll just say this sucks horribly, and skip it.  There’s not a single redeeming feature in this colossal over-budgeted waste of time that would make me re-consider liking it. Kidman? No, she’s not appealing in this. Walken? He’s funny, but not enough. Broderick? No, his role isn’t big enough. Hot blonde drones? No, fun, but not good enough. This sucks, plain and simple.