New York Minute (2004)

2004_new_york_minuteWhy anyone would still find the Olsen Twins even remotely appealing is still beyond me, unless you find spoiled, rotten, rich girls appealing, then perhaps they’re for you. Luckily, “New York Minute” was a flop and I had a good laugh, but let’s face it, they laughed all the way to the bank. It’s clear judging by the movie that the Olsen’s have zero talent, and they prove just because you can buy yourself into a movie doesn’t mean you should be in one. Nonetheless, this is not a movie to be taken seriously even by someone as uptight about movies as me, but as harmless as this tries to be, you can’t also escape the fact this is a basic rip-off of “Ferris Bueller”, a much much better movie with an actual believable premise, where as this is basically driven on the vanity of the Olsen twins.

Little girls seem to find them appealing, because they’re young and millionaires, a basic dream for anyone, but they’re attempts at the PG market were pleasingly unsuccessful. Though this shouldn’t be taken seriously, it doesn’t mean you can’t judge the obvious flaws and ridiculous lapses in logic. Not to mention the inherent racial undertones that emerge halfway through the movie. Two girls, completely different in nature are trying to get to separate places and end up getting embroiled in a huge mis-adventure involving music pirates, psycho chauffeurs, and a truancy officer who has it in for them. Nonetheless, how much money you wanna bet at one point they’ll have to switch places and pretend to be the other one? It happens. How original.

Nonetheless, we’re subjected to some of the most inane and unfunny mis-adventures ever added to celluloid. What screenwriting hack churned this basically derivative and cliché story into an utter waste of money is beyond me, but we’re subjected to some ridiculous plot holes (the streets of New York, and its subways are always empty), and we’re given two really vapid characters we don’t give a care about during the longest hour and a half ever made. One girl is a goody two shoes whose also an over-achiever, while one is a rebellious rocker. Now if you’ve ever seen movies featuring the Olsen twins, you’ll see the tired formula of one good twin and one bad twin is put to use yet again, a device that got really old really quickly. What’s even worse, is that their names obnoxiously draws upon their characters. One is called Roxy because she’s… a rocker, and one is Jane because… she’s a plain Jane.

Ugh, excuse me while I vomit. I don’t quite remember the name of the girls, but one is due to give a speech to get a scholarship, and the other is cutting school to go to a Simple Plan music video shoot. So not only is it obvious the movie is pandering, but it shows the characters here have terrible taste in music. Regardless, they’re drawn into some mis-adventures which find them in New York city sewers (curiously void of rats and roaches), and stuck in a subway (curiously empty) and end up traveling all around New York which Just for them, New York is reduced to a veritable array of quirky eccentric characters that happen to appear at the right time, from kindly shop owners, zany homeless people, and anal Hindu grocery store owners, all the while being chased by a truancy officer being played by none other than Eugene Levy.

Levy is promptly wasted here performing as a straight man. He’s given nothing good to do here, no pratfalls, no physical comedy, no good dialogue, and zero comedic balance which would have helped this movie in the long run, but he’s such a useful resource misused here. Why would a school even go through so much trouble in spending money on a truancy officer? Levy is given nothing good to do here. He’s unfortunately annoying, boring and bland. Not to mention the Twins shamelessly flaunt tired cameos from other spoiled rich brat Jack Osbourne, and from Darrell Hammond, another comedic resource whose put to waste with nothing very appealing to do except perform as the straight man. As guessed, much of the levity is given to the twins who perform their shtick and comedy with little knack or talent.

Much of their antics are so contrived with scenes that rip straight from better movies ala the salon scene which rips from “Legally Blonde”, the hopping dog sequence from “There’s Something about Mary” and the basic plot which rips right from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. Then, without warning or even probable cause, we’re subjected to some pretty unsettling racial undertones with a lot of racial stereotypes like the Chinese villains and Andy Richter who speaks like a Chinese person, and the run in with black people who work at a salon and spout all sorts of slang. The whole scene is very racist in its depiction of black people with their usual given image as ghetto people who hate white people.

They even spout “Them white people are crazy” which I guarantee if a white person said that to a black person there’d be an uproar. One black character even spouts “Who is that Cracker?” when they see Levy. Now last time I checked, Cracker was a racial slur, now what type of anger would arise if a white character made a racial slur about a black character? Define double standards. Is this what we’re supposed to believe is funny? That it’s okay to spout racial slurs at white people, but if it were reversed, the Olsen twins would basically be crucified. And did I mention the title makes no sense? Ultimately this is a terrible waste of time with the twins who give us tired gags, far-fetched situations, and a happy ending ad nauseum. Money can buy you clothes, money can buy you a house, but, Mary Kate and Ashley, money can not buy you talent, and money can not buy you a good movie. This is terrible.