I spend a lot more of my time looking for movies I want to see these days, so admittedly I was able to dodge a lot of awful films in 2019. With the abundance of avenues to new movies it’s nearly impossible for one person to view it all, so out of the movies I was able to catch in 2019, these are five of the absolute worst that were unleashed on movie goers and movie buffs. Excluded but genuinely considered for the list were The Reliant, Men in Black: International, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, Netflix’s Rim of the World, The Haunting of Sharon Tate, Long Shot, Kiss Kiss, and Dark Phoenix.
What were some of the worst from 2019 for you?
5. Cats
It may seem like I’m punching down with the inclusion of “Cats” but the joke’s really on me, innit? It might find cult value ten years from now in Idris Elba retrospectives, but this adaptation of the inexplicable iconic musical is droning, boring, nonsensical, has zero story, and doesn’t introduce a single engaging character. Its a hundred minutes of bad cat CGI with a shocking amount of sexual innuendo. That’s surprising considering the TV ads always painted the Broadway musical as family friendly.
Say Something Nice: Idris Elba as Rum Tum Tugger looks like a Marvel Villain.
Watch Instead: Cats Don’t Dance (1997)
4.The Lion King
“The Lion King” is my all time favorite Disney animated film from their golden age. I loved it in theaters, loved the soundtrack, and I must have seen the original on VHS at least a thousand times. The remake is a colossal waste of money that was spent basically giving us the exact same film verbatim for no other reason than to gauge our wallets. It also emphasizes unnecessary plot elements, waters down the amazing music, and—well, it’s not a live action remake if its completely computer animated. This Jon Favreau fueled rehash is warmed over, dull, and insulting.
Say Something Nice: At least James Corden isn’t in it.
Watch Instead: The Lion King (1994)
3. Poms
The latest Diane Keaton vehicle is a sickeningly sweet, saccharine take on “The Bucket List.” Rather than a silly tale about dying men having an adventure, it’s about a dying woman who fulfills her life long dream of being a cheerleader. When I wasn’t drifting off from boredom, I couldn’t help but get over how much Zara Hayes’ drama comedy watches like a terrible Hallmark Channel movie. There’s zero conflict, endless stereotypes, Keaton seems to sleepwalk through the entire affair, and there’s not a really interesting message to the whole junky mess.
Say Something Nice: Jack Nicholson would have spiced things up.
Watch Instead: Calendar Girls (2003)
2. The Silence
After the success of “A Quiet Place,” Netflix was able to somewhat duplicate the success with the very good “Bird Box.” They go one step too far with “The Silence.” While the premise is interesting with cool bat, piranha, graboid, demon, monster–things, “The Silence” is a nasty, mean spirited, ugly, and poorly structured horror film. A solid cast is wasted in what is a ridiculous monster movie that inexplicably turns in to a survival movie against a religious cult when it’s clear the writers have run out ideas. It’s just a painful mess from beginning to end.
Say Something Nice: Kiernan Shipka is a great Sabrina.
Watch Instead: The Mist (2007)
1. Shaft
John Singleton’s 2000 version of “Shaft” was funny, fun, charming and action packed. It was also charmingly silly at times, but also tried to confront actual themes about racism and corruption. Tim Story’s attempt to reboot the series and set the stage for a new era is a nasty movie. It’s teeming with nastiness right down to its titular hero who goes from a suave, caring, and engaging hero, to a misogynistic, homophobic, bitter, dead beat dad who cares about no one but himself. He does literally nothing but mock Millennials for ninety minutes, while we suffer through the paper thin premise, dull villains, and lame attempts at building a legacy series. “Shaft” deserved a great sequel. This isn’t it.
Say Something Nice: At least James Corden isn’t in it.
Watch Instead: Shaft (1971)