Vampire on Bikini Beach (1988)


Michael Headley: Dude this will be our big break!
Todd Kaufman: How do you figure?
Michael: Everyone loves vampire movies right now, so we could make our own!
Todd: Genius, dude!
Michael: But while the audience is watching the horror movie, we can perform some songs during the movie.
Todd: Geniuser, dude!
Michael: I mean they have to watch us perform, what else are they going to do? Press the forward button?

Todd: How much music can we squeeze in to the movie?
Michael: Well the movie is only eighty minutes long. My girlfriend wrote up twenty pages of a vampire story, the rest of the sixty minutes we can fill up with our performances. The other remaining time we’ll fill with stock footage of surfers and crap.
Todd: How do we get to perform on the movie?
Michael: We’ll give our characters an excuse to go to the local night club. Even when they’re talking about killing the local vampires, and the Book of the Dead, they’ll still be in the night club. You see, even with vampires lurking around our band is so awesome they can’t help but watch us perform before fighting evil!
Todd: This is the biggest opportunity of my life.
Michael: When this movie is finished, we’ll be knee deep in chicks, man.
Todd: We’re going to be bigger than AC/DC!

As you figured, “Vampire on Bikini Beach” is a demo reel for whatever the hell the name of the band is in this movie. The other half of the film is based around a bland story about a vampire cult, and a group of surfing teenagers that have to use “The Book of the Dead” to stop them once and for all. Of course, they’re annoyed their vacation is interrupted, but fate has placed a great importance in the hands of these numbskulls. I don’t know what’s more mind numbing about this movie. The fact that the teens are so aloof about fighting vampires, or that it literally goes on for ten minutes featuring the movie’s band singing while the characters dance in the cheap makeshift set they try to pass off as a night club.

There is literally no dialogue or story for minutes on end. It’s just a musical performance, a few minutes of filler, and another musical performance. And that wouldn’t be so bad, but the band that sings during sixty percent of the movie sound like a stock rock and roll band with no really unique music to play for viewers. Their music literally fades away in a hail of monotony and boredom, and director Mark Headley will not stop inflicting them on us. The vampire plot for the most part is a secondary element of the movie, so anyone expecting a truly interesting vampire movie will be disappointed. The vampires don’t show up for most of the film, and when they do, their terrible villains based on horrible make up performed by horrific actors. Even on a base cheese and camp level, “Vampire on Bikini Beach” fails spectacularly.