Neal Bailey's Worst 5 Movies of All Time

5. Das Boot
Whether it’s the enthralling scene of the men being inspected buck naked for pubic lice, the constant phallic up and down of the sub, or the fact that the movie takes forever to get nowhere, this movie is one of my most reviled experiences. I tried to watch it no less than four times before becoming so frustrated with its banality that I returned it the day I rented it so as not to be in the same room as its crapiness.

4. Dogville
This is a nice one. I just reviewed it, actually. A four hour film about how all poor people in small towns will turn to evil, and then deserve what they get when the mafia machine guns their babies and sets the town on fire. To boot, there’s a lot of nasty rape, a cliché theater device that doesn’t work well, and an ending montage that’s so out of place I still don’t get.

3. Batman and Robin
The governator, in blue make-up, screaming, “GET THE HEROES” He also advises his associates to put them on ice. Bane, one of Batman’s most complex villains, is turned into the nuclear man. Cod pieces. Good God, cod pieces. And a Batgirl that not only looks and acts illiterate, but makes Alfred cute. Kill me if I ever watch it again.

2. Chicago
As if there isn’t enough male hate in this world, let’s make a musical that glorifies the fact that not only is it okay to kill a man if he cheats on you, but after you do, the way to get off the charge is to become as cute and adored by everyone as you can, ergo becoming an attention whore. Mr. Cellophane is a great song, but not because it’s elegant, but because it points out the critical errors of the mains. Did I also mention that this story has a song that makes it seem sexy when lawyers dance around the truth? How can I identify with any of these worthless goons?

1. Buffalo 66
This movie made me want to vomit, it sucked so hard. The first half is Christina Ricci meeting a criminal and the quest for her to get to the bathroom, the rest of the story is how it’s okay to love someone who’s a complete and utter dick. The director, when you listen to him speak, is like swallowing glass, if you ever hear him in public. The arrogant artist in repose, if you will. Watch out for this one.