Boom! Bam! Slam! Pow! That’s the sound of modern horror! Thump! Whomp! Blam! That’s the sound of modern directors ideas of scaring us! That’s what studios perceive as the definition of the horror genre these days, that loud sound that comes from every single house from closing doors to falling objects, these sharp scares are supposed to frighten us and completely loses sight of what horror is really supposed to do. Jump scares are okay, but they’re mere parlor tricks. The real scares never come. And if the audience member is smart enough, they’ll realize that after the first thirty minutes, WHAM! Did I scare you? What about old spooky farm houses? What about the families who still buy old spooky farmhouses? Crows with squawks that boom like horns? What about little kids with second sight of the paranormal? Nothing? Yeah, me neither, frankly. Not even Kristen Stewart (who went from androgynous to smoking hot in record time) can save “The Messengers,” a pretty typical ghost flick from Ghost House involving none other than the new family in town who have just bought an abandoned farm house on a hill for reasons unverified.

It’s a typical wannabe Asian horror fare, and the Pangs don’t seem to have too many tricks of their sleeves regardless of how hard they try to goad us. “The Messengers” is a lazy, cliché, and painfully hackneyed supernatural thriller and you’d do best to revisit your library of movies again. Damn Stewart. Lookin’ fine.