Critters: A New Binge

I love “Critters,” I should say that first and foremost. I love the movie series, the first two are childhood favorites, and when it comes down to it, I prefer the Crites over the Gremlins. Come at me I don’t care. So when news came that we were getting a limited series based on the eighties movie series, I was excited to say the least. The trailer looked amazing and I was so ready for it. I’m not one to adhere to conspiracy theories, but the only reason I can rationalize the utterly terrible “Critters: A New Binge” is that it was once a movie that was split up in to a “series” for the sake of views.

Every episode of “Critters: A New Binge” is not an hour, it’s not even a half hour. Every episode clocks in at eight to twelve minute intervals and what accounts for a story arc are small hastily paced minisodes that feel like cheap glorified extras for the “Critters” box set. It’s not even that the entire season is just a movie diced up to look like a web series, but when you take all the episodes and binge them, it amounts to nothing more than seventy minutes! Seventy minutes! That’s barely a feast for fans that have been anxiously awaiting a new “Critters” series. It’s shocking and heartbreaking, to I have to admit. “Critters: A New Binge” is a horrible web series, but one that’s teeming with potential from the very beginning.

I love that the developers give the Crites their own personalities, I love that they’re now more vicious space criminals and less mindless Gremlins clones, and I love the wacky tone included. It’s just that “Critters: A New Binge” is lazy, dull, and often times the bottom of the barrel production quality was just downright distracting. There’s the library music that doubles as a film score, the TV movie level CGI that looks like it was taken from 1997, and incessant use of blue screen over and over again. Our two amorphous bounty hunters chasing the Crites have no personality and don’t have much to work with.

Their big gag is wearing cowboy hats along with their space uniforms. Meanwhile the Crites spend their time laying siege to the small town they land in, while most of the kills they enact occur off screen sparing us the grissly often gruesome deaths the Crites used to deal to their prey. If you loved the original films’ chomping scenes, you’ll find “A New Binge’s” habit for side stepping the gore disappointing. “A New Binge” is disappointing, and just not worth your time. Should there be a second season, I likely won’t return.

Streaming Exclusively on Shudder.