Art by Chris LaBrenz
There’s been rumors of a horror movie expendables in the works, and it’s one we hope will be so much better than the actual expendables movies. Since we loved the idea we thought it’d be a good idea to cast a team of horror heroes and anti-heroes we think would be best suited for a horror expendables team. We teamed up with Brian Pittman from Batman’s Got a Nosebleed to cast our own picks on who should be battling pure evil when no one else wants to step up.
I mean, picking your own squad of kick-ass horror characters to take on all comers? That’s something we can get behind whole-heartedly. But we weren’t ready for how genuinely hard this actually was. We have redone these lists several times because we kept feeling unsure of who should be on it. There are so many amazing horror heroes and heroines! And we’re picking six of them? Oy, this was a task we truly were never prepared for. But we did it, finding six characters a piece from horror who we think could stand up against pretty much anything. Well, maybe now Godzilla, but he’s not really horror. If he was horror, he’d be on the squad.
So, there they are, our squads of horror heroes to face on the throes of evil that may stalk their way. We’d trust them with our lives and we hope you dig our choices. Who would be in your Horror Expendables?
Brian’s Pick:
Nick Castle – The Fog (1980)
I told Felix immediately that Nick Castle was a no-brainer for me, and this is true. He’s the only person who has been on every version of this list I typed up. The Fog is one of my favourite films of all time and a big part of why is Tom Atkins’ portrayal of the character. He’s a tough guy who goes out of his way to help people, but never seems at all like he’s losing his cool when he does so. As a kid, Nick Castle became my personal view of what a man should be. He’s also the example I hold other horror heroes up against. In my squad, he’d definitely be the one the others would look to for leadership. He may not be military trained, but he’ll stand up to ghost lepers, and that’s pure jawesome in my book.
Felix’s Pick:
El Wray – Planet Terror (2007)
El Wray would lead my squad in to battle time and time again. He has a mysterious past, but he knows how to get the job done. He knows martial arts, is quick with the knife, and doesn’t mind dicing and slicing up some zombies if it means saving the people he loves. El Wray is a quick and very skilled warrior who goes through hell and back and is always steady in his delivery of punishment on pure evil. He’d know strategy and most of all he’d stare down pure evil without flinching.
Brian’s Pick:
Tina Shepard – Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)
Not really known for being a favourite among the series, Part VII tried to do something different by giving Jason a credible threat: Carrie. Okay, so she’s not really Carrie, but she does have the same telekinetic abilities, and that ultimately makes Tina a dangerous threat to anyone after her. As the film went on, she learned how to actually purposely use her abilities and used them to take down my boy Jason. And this is undead Jason here, not human Jason who actually is capable of dying. Tina’s abilities could give the squad both offensive and defensive abilities at a fairly long range, giving her teammates time to reload or get the upper hand. She also has the advantage of not being quite as crazy as Carrie, which means she’s less of a liability.
Felix’s Pick:
Cassie Hack – Hack/Slash Comics
Cassie Hack knows how to get the job done, even if she still deals with her own personal issues every now and then. When we first meet her she’s a lone wolf, but she eventually learns how to fight with a team and work within a unit. Most of all she’s cooperative, collaborative and meets every new challenge with a swift charge that makes her a very worthy opponent. She knows how to get in to the minds of her foes, and is familiar with all the legends like Chucky, and Norman Bates. She’s experienced the undead, deadites, and demons, so with her trusty bat, she’d be a killer.
Brian’s Pick:
Randolph Carter – The Unnamable (1988)
This guy right here is something completely special and I couldn’t imagine not havining him in this group. For those who don’t know, Randolph Carter was H.P. Lovecraft’s self-insert cahracter. He used him in many stories and the guy was basically like Indiana Jones, only smarter and messing around with much scarier juju. In the Unnamable films, Carter is portrayed as cool and calm, even in the face of certain death. He’s a scholar first but this leads him to studying the Necronomicon and using it to his advantage. He’s also a man who understands loss on a deep level, which weighs upon every decision he makes. Every squad needs a man to do the research and planning, a role Carter can easily fill perfectly. And when they end up chest-deep in the Lovecraftian horrors, he’ll be there to pull them out with his deep knowledge.
Felix’s Pick:
Vlad – Hack/Slash Comics
I almost counted him as a package deal, but Vlad has his own contributions to the team. He’s a strong man and an enforcer which every team needs. He’s smart, he’s gentle, he knows how to battle even the biggest monsters, and doesn’t mind working in a team. Besides he also has insight in to the monster mentality, so the team needs Vlad to help them better understand what they’re battling every now and again. Vlad is a perfect loyal teammate.
Brian’s Pick:
Sex Machine – From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
I have always loved this character and when he got bit in the film, I became really kinda angry. It also quickly made me hate Julliette Lewis’ Kate character, as him trying to keep an eye on her is why he got turned. Had she not been there, he very likely would’ve survived the entire night. Sex Machine was (and is) an interesting guy. He’s clearly a biker who takes no shit, but he also comes off as charming and friendly. While I hate Kate for leading to his demise, his caring for her as she fumbled about trying to stake a vampire is part of what I love about him. He could’ve been cold and treated her like the liability that she was, but instead he wanted to make sure she was alright. His whip skills were quite impressive and his hidden gun can definitely provide an edge in a close-combat situation. I think he’d be a great addition to the squad for those reasons and because his personality would easily help mellow the others out in sketchy situations.
Felix’s Pick:
Faith Lehane – Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Faith is a great anti-hero who also knows how to work and cooperate in a team. She might have to be wrangled in every now and then, but when the going gets tough, she’s ready to kick some major ass. She’s stared down pure black evil to its core and almost always comes out on top. She’s fought vampires, demons, werewolves, rival slayers, and gods, and she’s managed to prove she is a valiant, if occasionally dirty, warrior to be reckoned with. Lehane can also improve team morale when times are tough.
Brian’s Pick:
Julie Walker – Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993)
Julie is a tragic character whose story in not unlike the tragedy of Romeo & Juliet. She was young and in love, but a horrible accident lead to her death. Her boyfriend, not ready to let her go, brought her back from the dead but at a cost. Now she craved brains, but still retained her humanity and didn’t want to kill innocent people. Luckily, there were plenty of bastards just begging to be eaten. Her story ends in a pretty bittersweet manner, but that has no bearing on this list, really. In my squad, she’d be the tank. She’s proven very difficult to kill and is a pretty savage fighter. If her hunger could be curbed while on mission, she’d be invaluable to the overall survival of the squad. Plus, as Felix would point out, she’s hot as hell.
Felix’s Pick:
Rick Grimes – The Walking Dead Comics Series
Rick Grimes is a flawed protagonist but he knows how to get the job done. He’s come face to face with all kinds of evil, and has trekked through the apocalyptic bad lands time and time again to complete personal missions. Grimes is a man who began as a normal sheriff’s deputy, and awoke to a war world that required he harden up and learn to combat every menace that reared its head. He doesn’t only fight the walking dead; he’s fought dangerous nomads, vicious gangsters, cannibals, and the like, all while losing one hand, and nearly dying after a war with the Governor. Rick is reliable, he’s resourceful and he can step up and help lead the team when events are at their hardest.
Brian’s Pick:
Reggie – Phantasm (1979)
Rounding out my squad, we have the wild card. Reggie here is a staple of the Phantasm series, walking away from situations he has no right surviving with only his wit and surly demeanor to assist him. Well, that and his custom made four barrelled shotgun. Here’s a guy who started out as an ice cream man, for fuck’s sake, and he ends up being a flannel wearing survivor of the apocalypse. I’m not sure how he manages it, but Reggie is destined to always survive and that makes him the perfect back-up in any fight. Whether they’re taking on the Tall Man or the Slender Man, Reggie will always be ready to fight and will always end up walking out in the end.
Felix’s Pick:
Tiffany – Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)
She’s one of my favorite horror heroines of all time, mainly because she’s intelligent, and innocent, but fierce when pushed in to a corner. When we meet her, she’s able to crack any puzzle thrown at her. And let’s face it, the team may every now and then have to crack a code or solve a puzzle that could either defeat a foe or save the world. She might not be a warrior, but she’s a mental giant, and the team needs a brain to help them out. Tiffany would be an excellent tool, and a quick ass a whip intelligent asset when the chips are down.