Memoirs of a Gay Porn Critic

I’m a gay porn critic.

No, not really. I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I used to review porn, but that’s beside the point.

A long time ago I got in to a bit of a verbal war with their Asylum Entertainment’s most noted director who engaged in a back and forth with me for a long time, and even took exception to my bashing of his films on a major independent film website. Often I spent my days on another message board on my online haunts discussing the terrible movies coming from the Asylum, and often times I was inundated with attacks from people in the studios.

If you’ve ever been on the IMDB message board (you poor sap) you can also spot many of the producers bashing people who hated the movie, and claiming to testify against IMDB users who explained they downloaded the movie illegally. There were even plants that’d litter the boards with endless praise.

Now that The Asylum has fallen in to the favor of horror audiences more and more these days, I don’t know if they employ plants and trolls to litter IMDB with mock praise and hype, anymore. They’ve managed to kind of convince people that they have some talent, and they’ve gained a following for their ability to shamelessly piggyback off of another film’s success.

Think of “The Hobbit” and the “Battleship” debacles for times where the Asylum went a step too far and were put back in their role as low budget mockbuster studios. But back when they were gaining surprise theatrical runs for garbage like “Hold Your Breath” and “Sharknado,” they were still making false claims about their films, and their directors were quick to pounce on anyone who hated their movies. Especially anyone with a strong critical voice.

The director of “The Hitchhiker,” to get back at me, explained in a journal of his on his MySpace that he’d make a character out of his most notorious critic, and was sure to wreak pure revenge on one of his worst detractors. I figured it could have been anyone really, since pretty much every critic online hated the Asylum and their horrible films like “Halloween Night” and “9/11 Commission Report.”

But lo and behold, when “The Hitchhiker” was released in stores, I checked out the film to see where the director would enact his cruel revenge on the critic, and it ended up being me who was given the dish best served cold. I’ve been writing about movies for over a decade now and the director thought it’d be a good idea to pull a Roland Emmerich on me and spoof me in one of his films. If you didn’t know, Roland Emmerich mocked Siskel and Ebert, by turning them in to obnoxious characters in his 1998 fiasco “Godzilla.”

Siskel was named Gene, the assistant to Mayor Ebert, and in the end, as an act of disapproval to the inept mayor, he quits his job and gives him a thumbs down before walking off. Ouch. If you’re willing to seek out the movie, which has now gone out of print, my character’s name is Felix (duh) who is a hitchhiker who hitches a ride with our psychopath. He gets to talking with him and explains that he reviews porn on a website. Which is shocking considering years later I took a job at a major porn site reviewing porn titles.

But I digress.

So, the big revenge occurs when the psychopath is talking to Felix, and Felix asks if he’s in to dudes at all, revealing him to be a homosexual.

This causes our psychopath to toss him out of the car on to the road, never to be heard from again. While the revenge was actually watching the damn movie, I always find myself flattered at the inclusion of me, and the director spoofing me as a form of revenge that would later become a trend among M. Night Shyamalan, and Roland Emmerich.

If you ever get a hold of the movie, take a look for yourself. It’s so funny and clever I didn’t even bother getting upset, though I did skewer the movie on my review for Film Threat a long time ago.

That said, my little cousin came to me once and asked me about the incident and I laughed it off explaining the situation and the movie, and I told him that I wasn’t upset. For one, I found it kind of flattering, and number two, being gay isn’t a bad thing at all.

So I didn’t quite see the revenge of depicting me as a homosexual.

The better revenge would have been to feature me as a misogynistic pervert who gropes one of the female characters or something. That’s where I kind of would have been irritated. All things considered it’s a nice bit of revenge that I enjoy almost as much as the director did, I’m sure. I’m immortal, now. In a low budget film almost no one saw, granted, but it’s still fun to discuss to this day.

The director once talked to me and swore “One day one of my films will be on your top ten of the year!” That time has yet to come, but for all intents and purposes, I did enjoy “Transmorphers” for all its B grade science fiction glory. If anything, it did illustrate to me that directors simply can’t be friends to the movie critic. And I’m fine with that.