Ten Horror Femmes We'd Spend the Night With

I remember watching a horror documentary about Dracula, and I forget who exactly said it, but during a screening of Frank Langella’s “Dracula,” two women in the audience admitted that they would completely allow Langella’s Dracula to take them with him and turn them, if they could just spend the night with him. In spite of the inherent attraction and allure of the vampires, men also have those female figures in horror that we wouldn’t mind spending the night with, even if it meant sacrificing our very lives, skin, blood, or brains. For the very reason those women would have given themselves to Dracula is the reason why many men would submit themselves to certain horror femmes. In spite of suffering a slow and possibly painful death, you’re almost guaranteed a night of head exploding, heart rupturing, love making that will leaving you a withered, soulless, but wide grinning corpse. To add to the endless hordes of horror geeks who’d offer themselves up to hot horror figures of the opposite sex, we list ten horror femmes we’d risk our very essence to spend one long night with.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark – Elvira
It’s Elvira. She’s a Goth with a tight body and cleavage you could rest your head in for decades without ever tiring. She’s one of the first women I’ve ever seen on film who showed me that the thing between my legs was for more than urinating with. Before Cable Television, I used to watch “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark” every single chance I got, and it wasn’t because the film was a comedy masterpiece. Elvira, or Cassandra Peterson, knows exactly what she’s working with and she knows how to use it to build an empire as a cult icon. While many horror buffs prefer Vampira, I was born in the eighties and grew up exposed primarily to Elvira, mistress of the Dark.

She was a Goth, a horror fanatic, a movie geek, she was funny, and she was incredibly sexy. By all accounts, she still is. Elvira always knew how to keep things risqué but tasteful, erotic but never trashy, and though Elvira always seemed like she was on the verge of popping out of her dress at any second, in spite of our hopes and wishes, she never really did. Whether the character of Elvira is a ghoul, vampire, ghost, or succubus, we may never actually know for sure, but damn, her high hair, and long flowing black dress paired with her flinty whisper of a voice, and her–ahem–pair, make any red blooded American horror geek proud to be a part of a fandom that would allow a woman like Elvira to roam free and introduce many young boys to puberty. Thanks, Elvira.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: Low

 

Megan Garris – Friday the 13th: Jason Lives
Sure, “Jason Lives” is like every slasher film in a sense. There’s only one minority character, and she gets hers badly, the cops are morons who couldn’t catch a cold, and the children are sniveling idiots, but the film does defy the slasher convention at every turn. For one it features a male protagonist who goes up against Jason Voorhees, and the male character is a recurring hero named Tommy. As for Tommy’s love interest? She’s pretty much the sexy flirtatious girl with a daddy complex who should be having her spine broken in half in the first hour. Nothing about “Jason Lives” is really by the book.

The virginal sweet girl in the movie gets a gruesome blood soaked death that Jason seems to take pride in doling out to her (even pulling her dangling body back in to the cabin to continue mutilating her), while Megan Garris is the sexy daring charismatic blond who manages to survive the entire film and narrowly dodges Jason’s wrath for most of the film. Even her dad gets folded like a cheap lawn chair to protect her from being killed by Voorhees, but she always evades Jason’s chaos. No, no, nothing about this is right. Especially when the hot charismatic blond gets her in “The New Blood”! But Megan is one of the sexiest final girls in horror history, and Jennifer Cooke gives Megan such a delightful personality, she’s almost irresistible in this film.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: Low

 

Trash – The Return Of The Living Dead

With Trash you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. This is a woman who gets naked in cemeteries and dances at the drop of a hat, and literally falls to her knees at the sight of a man she likes. So the odds of being able to sleep with her are good if you know how to play her. But the chances are she’ll forget you in an instant. As for zombie Trash, she’d tear your head off, eat your brain, and bathe in your blood. So there’d be no chance of copping a feel at any point. Plus the cruel irony is that zombie trash is grotesque as opposed to human Trash who is a force of pure sexual nature.

With tattoos, a free willing spirit, and a body that’s absolutely incredible, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to turn Trash down. All things considered, I could get over being forgotten if I could have a night with human Trash. I’d be able to live with myself, all things considered. And the high point is if you’re not looking for a commitment and you’re being chased by zombies, Trash is not much of a fast runner in human form, so you could leave her in the dust with your brain in tact as she’s being mauled by decrepit zombies.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: Medium, depending on human state

 

DREN – Splice
Dren is almost the perfect beast of sexuality and nature. As a female being, she’s programmed to find the perfect mate, breed, and then kill the mate off like a preying mantis. When she seduces her male creator in “Splice,” she gives in to him sexually and seems almost ready to use her spiked tail to destroy him before he manages to plant his seed in her. Seemingly, her male counterpart takes over by the finale, and she rapes her female creator as the perfect male specimen.

But with the body and mystique of this odd sexual hybrid of bug, beast, and human, you find it almost alluring to seduce her. And you can almost find it difficult to resist her sexual advances thanks to her child like innocence and seemingly unique sexual experience and thrill you’re almost guaranteed with her. Even if she’s sub-consciously programmed to destroy her partner upon sexual and physical satisfaction and or insemination. You may cringe but come on, you didn’t think about it? At least for a second during the run time of “Splice”? You know you did.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: High

 

Shuna Sassi – Nightbreed
So she’s a potentially deadly monstrous mutant who could unleash an agonizing death on me if I tried to cop a feel due to her poisonous quills that cover 90 percent of her body. Every relationship has its obstacles, and we could get past ours in no time. The aspect of Goth horror that appeals to some horror fans is that they have the tendency to create female characters that are twisted, grotesque, and somewhat erotic and alluring. Take the female cenobites, or most of the female mutants in “Nightbreed.” They’re all fairly gorgeous and unique women who happen to be supernatural beings with deadly powers, one of whom is Shuna Sassi.

According to her comic book origin, she’s an ex prostitute prone to murdering her clients, but I’d be willing to see if she could go one over without murdering me. I’m more than willing to take that chance. Shuna Sassi has an unusual eroticism to her, and paired with her busty figure, she’s a being that you could glare at in lust and feel somewhat morbid for admiring. Not to mention, her quills could take down pretty much any person within her sights, and that’s a plus for keeping away prowlers and the occasional lynch mob.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: High

 

Queen Akasha – Queen of the Damned
Odds are Akasha has been alive for a millennia and will basically suck you in to a withered sack of skin in a second with just a slurp, but she’s been alive for a millennia, she’s probably mastered the art of lovemaking. She can probably do things that aren’t even written in books. A night with her would probably make any man’s head explode, so the sweet release of death would be a fringe benefit of phenomenal sex.

She is the queen of the vampires, after all, and the late Aaliyah is absolutely breathtaking as Akasha who is the first vampire ever created. Without even trying she can allure even the strongest willed men. Imagine what she’d do to you if she was trying and ornery. Ah, the possibilities.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: High

 

Darla – Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
That’s the rub isn’t it? The minute you get involved with a woman, you have to put up with her family. Odds are the minute you hooked up with Darla–granted she allowed you to continue breathing afterward–you’d pretty much have to put up with her family of psychotic inbred maniacal hillbillies who get their rocks off of killing innocent people. Not to mention her cross dressing brother who wears human skin.

What a drama queen. Forget she has a husband who runs people over with his truck for laughs, Darla is an incredibly sexy woman just the same who looks ordinary and distinguished but really is two bullets short of a loaded gun. But hey, she can casually buy take out for dinner while holding a human body in her trunk, so she works well under pressure, you have to admire a woman like that.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: Medium

 

Norma – Trailer Park of Terror
Sure, a moment of ecstasy with her will turn you in to a mindless drone who will do her every bidding, and the incredibly sexy woman we see is actually a hideous monster underneath, but that’s every relationship with a woman, isn’t it? Norma is a sex bomb who can rip a man apart, but is still really difficult to resist. Nicole Hiltz is the unquenchable and seductive Trailer demon who uses men as her little servants of terror, and makes a sport out of luring hapless travelers to their deaths. In the end, Norma is a monster with a gorgeous face and tight body that we wouldn’t mind serving under. And behind. Ever notice how hell has a better selection of women than Heaven?

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: High

 

Mandy Lane – All the Boys Love Mandy Lane
She’s a man eater, and a manipulative, cold hearted monster. She’s the definition of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’d actually call her a succubus in sheep’s clothing. Like a praying mantis she’ll use you up and spit you out before you even realize it. She’d twist your head and probably trick you in to offing a few people for her just to see her naked. But damn, she’s so utterly beautiful and sexy, isn’t she?

If there was ever a film that properly exemplified the appeal of Amber Heard, this Canadian slasher film is the one to look for. The rare “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane” is proof that some men will do anything for sex. Even killing a bunch of people and faking their own death. And sometimes the most innocent quiet people are the most dangerous. But she must shag like a demon. So we’ll take our chances.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: Medium

 

The Brides – Dracula
It’s a very long, very slow, agonizing, and–let’s face it–amazing death at the hands of three incredibly beautiful bloodsuckers, all of whom are led by the sexiest woman alive, Monica Bellucci. The brides of Dracula are insatiable, and they sneak up on their male prey and slowly sap them of their blood while easing their pain with pure sexual euphoria.

They are technically succubus, and they won’t stop until you’re a withered husk of a man. Don’t deny it, there isn’t a single man alive who wouldn’t drop themselves in to the pit of Dracula’s hungry and ravenous brides to experience the pleasure for themselves. It’s intoxicating. I’d be nothing but a shriveled sack of skin after a week, but you’d see a withered sack of skin with a giant smile on his face. Yes, sir.

Chance of Fatality after/mid-coitus: High