Big Tits Zombie (Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5) (2010)

big-tits-zombieNormally I’m not a fan of the Asian horror comedy movies since about half of them are really god awful, but I just couldn’t resist “Big Tits Zombie.” Not only is the title absolutely brilliant, but it has zombies, and I just recently discovered Sola Aoi on the internet, thus I couldn’t pass up a chance to see her fighting zombies and jiggling every which way. The fact remains that if I have to sit through another zombie movie, I should at least watch hot Asian women with gorgeous busts bringing them down. It’s a fair compromise.

And surely enough you’ll want to keep your eyes on the gorgeous women to prevent doubling over from the feast of nonsense that is this movie. A woman is bitten by a zombie and for her final transformation fire shoots out of her vagina. Cross dressing zombies. Mysterious shifts in to Spanish dialogue. A sub-plot about a serial killer that is utterly pointless to the overall narrative. Really dreadful CGI. This is what you’ll have to endure when you view this Asian pop horror film that’s pure sexploitation and makes very little case for being regarded as a horror classic. We meet a bunch of bitchy whiny strippers for the local club, all of whom dance to no crowds every night and hide in their dressing rooms arguing and bickering about personal spaces and wrestling in corners. Each stripper of course has their own personality, thus they’re typical Asian heroines than regular women.

They never once dress in average clothing, and each cling to their personas involving a goth maid, punk rocker and the like, thus they are much more unique than the usual horror protagonists. After a bickering match results in a game of horseplay, the girls discover a hidden door that leads in to a well of the dead. Falling victim to curiosity and greed, they unleash the walking dead, all of whom are immensely goofy in appearance and movement, but are lethal in their pursuit to munch on Asian nymphs and take over the world. The rest of the film involves the girls trying to band together and defeat the zombies, as one of their own has grabbed the book of the dead and plans to use the spells to keep the zombies as her army for world conquest.

The rest is just a splatter movie with some of the worst CGI I have ever seen. Fog, sparks, and blood splatter is cliché woefully outdated computer graphics, backgrounds are really just computer altered landscapes, the gore effects involve watery blood, and foam body parts, all of which are easily disposed of by these women who can wield massive chainsaws and barely weigh in at a hundred pounds. Suffice to say on a guilty level, “Big Tits Zombie” was pure trashy horror fun with the Asian trademark felt a hundred times over. The big draw here the women and cosplay, and the director knows this full well by delivering it up by the gallons. Women tussle and roll around, tear each other’s clothes off, reveal their breasts in full glory, and even have blood splattered on them at every corner.

Meanwhile there’s an immense amount of cheese and corn thrown at the audience, so unless you’re adept to their humor, you won’t have a good time at all. Especially considering by the climax we get to see ghost zombies, blue ogres, and tentacle zombies, all set to the tune of pure schlock. While production qualities leave much to be desired, “Bit Tits Zombie” is a blast (mercifully clocking in at a little under eighty minutes), and one to be had with a lot of beer, and a stern tongue in cheek. Yes, it’s garbage, pure unadulterated garbage, but if you’re a fan of the sub-genre of hot girls fighting evil monsters, then you just may enjoy “Big Tits Zombie” an all out Z grade horror comedy with gorgeous women, body parts, big weapons, and Asian nymphs kicking hellish ass. Ash would be proud of these women.