Troll 2 (1990)

“Don’t let them eat, Joshua. For the love of God don’t let them eat.”

Making a really bad horror movie and linking it to a respectable movie for the hopes of financial returns and name recognition is not a new thing. Video companies have been doing it for decades, it’s a common practice in the direct to DVD market. Not to mention the cult classic “Zombie” alludes to being a sequel to “Dawn of the Dead,” even though it really isn’t. But somewhere down the line to avoid being thrown in to obscurity as it rightfully should have been, “Troll 2” is not a sequel at all, it is instead a really god awful movie about Goblins and… really bad acting. There isn’t a single decent performance in the entire film and it’s all so laughably embarrassing that it’s almost impossible to deem this as so bad it’s good.

“Troll 2” is so ridiculously flawed and shoddily put together it’s easy to pick it apart. You can see popcorn on the actors when they’re turning in to vegetables, the goblins are obviously just little people in masks and burlap sack costumes, and its hero is most likely a paranoid schizophrenic with potential for mass murder and torturing little animals. But at least he has his grandpa who is prone to appearing to him everywhere like a more annoying obese Obi-Wan Kenobi to warn him and tell him scary stories about goblins that the dumb kid won’t let him finish. Beyond that, the film is an incoherent tedious mess with a story that makes absolutely no sense and flaws aplenty that will have you in tears but also counting the clock waiting for it to mercifully end.

There are just inherently awkward moments like Joshua’s dad’s constant riffing on Southern hospitality, the sexual tension between Holly’s boyfriend and his group of buddies, Joshua’s solution to keeping his family from eating food at the behest of his undead grandfather, and instances like the one where Joshua is thrown on to a bed by his dad who stands over him unbuckling his pants as Joshua meekly asks “What are you going to do to me daddy?” It’s moments like these that make “Troll 2” such a hideous affair to sit through. There are just so many unanswered questions and holes that it’s pretty much incomplete.

Why are people so focused on eating in every single frame of the picture? Why is coffee the devil’s drink, again? Why do ghosts need to know the floor plan of a house? Why didn’t the Goblins ever go out in to the world before? Why are they so reliant on this family trading places? Why does Joshua see his grandfather in visions? And why does he appear in new clothing and hats every time? Can he possess people? And if he can stop time with the snap of a finger, why not help out more instead of making his grand son look like a psychopath in front of his family? Why are Goblins vegetarians?

Why do they hate meat? Where do they get milk if there are no cows? What the hell is Grandpa Seth, anyway? An angel, a guardian? Where does he get these sweet weaponry from? Why does the town of Nilbog only have cowboys who hang out in the darkness with one another? And does kicking someone in the nuts really make them a homosexual? “Troll 2” is a lot like going in to a hot bath. You know it’s going to hurt but you want to dive in and see for yourself anyway. And it’s just as painful as the former. “Troll 2” is not an instant favorite from me since it’s really just a piss poor awful movie and nothing more, but if you’re up to some masochism, pick this up and give it a shot. Remember kids: Double decker bologna sandwiches, always the prime weapon against goblins!