I’m one of those people who very much looked forward to “Pontypool,” and am not ashamed to admit that I was utterly disappointed with this production. It was dull as day old bread, lacked in sheer suspense and tension and sadly didn’t quite creep me out as much as its double “Dead Air” did. Not quite a zombie movie, people like to brand it as such and there aren’t even many zombies that pop up. What we get in the end is a practice in a cinematic dry humping that promises frights and never actually delivers. Seek out “Dead Air” for a nearly identical premise that works much better.
9. The Legend of Chun-Li
It’s embarrassing that after watching this I seriously considered rewatching the original piece of crap starring Van Damme, because at least that movie had entertainment value. What “The Legend of Chun Li” does is suck all of the fun out of the series in exchange for a stern dramatic tone and some of the worst casting I’ve ever seen. M. Bison becomes a gray haired American corporate cronie and Chun Li is a stale heroine played by an equally stale actress Krisin Kreuk who is easy on the eyes but painfully miscast. I could list all the terrible aspects of the casting Kristen Kruek as Chun Li, but I don’t want to devote anymore time to this utter monstrosity. It’s about time we face that there will never be a great video game movie.
8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
All of the fun “Transformers” had was pretty much sucked out by the directing chimp Michael Bay who puts his fetish for sweaty women and explosions to use once again in this atrocity of a sequel that took the terrible original film and amped up the misery ten fold.
The actions scenes are louder and more disorienting, the acting is worse, and more so the style from the robots in disguise is damaged by Bay who takes another opportunity to lobotomize a potentially entertaining franchise. And Megan Fox? Your fifteen minutes are about done, sweety.
7. Dragonball Evolution
I never cared for the “Dragonball” brand at all. I’ve seen many episodes thanks to my cousin and I never warmed up to it. The damn series does nothing but repeat the same storylines again and again. While I’m not a fan I was pretty damn offended by the Westernized attempt at a Dragonball movie that Americanized all of the characters and pretty much took a big dump on the career of Chow Yun Fat. I don’t know why, but he seems to just take any role that’s offered to him. Pile that up with the nonsensical plot, joyless action scenes, and utterly bad acting, and you have a rotten egg that deserves to be shun in to obscurity.
6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Credited as the first blockbuster of 2009, Paul Blart is an ugly film typical of the Happy Madison company brand that pretends to be something other than a gross out comedy that rips off “Die Hard.” What we get is an unfunny mixture of physical humor, a baffling convoluted story, and a ton of fat jokes that are about as funny as Kevin James. James takes on the leading man role and has the opportunity to play a one dimensional stereotype he worked hard at straying from in the past. Blart is fat and we know this because he gets stuck in an air vent and loves pigging out on nachos! Isn’t that funny?! No, it really isn’t. It’s unpleasant.
Robert Rodriguez used to be someone who took risks and had some sense of originality. Then he had kids and decided he’d provide his own vision for kids films, and wouldn’t you know it? The man has no idea what children’s entertainment is supposed to be.
Rodriguez has always had a hard time keeping his movies focused on narrative and characters and with his kids films it becomes painfully apparent. “Shorts” is a messy, ridiculous, and idiotic film that only appeals to hyperactive kid folk who will definitely forget what they just saw five minutes after watching Rodriguez’s poor excuse for entertainment.
4. Jennifer’s Body
I guess I’m to blame. I mean I thought Juno was such a great movie and became a fan of Diablo Cody. “Jennifer’s Body” reminds me that I shouldn’t put my faith in any writer in Hollywood, because the odds are they’ve run their course rather quickly. Take “Jennifer’s Body” a movie that’s convinced it’s too clever and so ahead of its time that it doesn’t realize that for all the witticisms it throws out there this has been done before and much better. If you’ve seen “Ginger Snaps” then you’ve seen “Jennifer’s Body,” a bonafide rip off that never manages to capture the same wit and tongue in cheek humor the Canadian cult classic has. From hammy performances to a ridiculous and uneven story, “Jennifer’s Body” is probably going to make me reconsider anything Diablo Cody ever writes again. Avoid it at all costs.
3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
We know, we know. Originally we gave “X-Men: Origins” two and a half stars but it was two and a half stars that definitely leaned toward a bad grade. Given months to mull it over and rewatch the film again we realized that not only is it the most disappointing movie of 2009, but it’s also one of the worst. There’s just so much here that signals this spin off surely may not spawn a sequel. We can hope. This is a movie that pretends to be an origin story with only five minutes of an origin, and jumps all over the board with characters coming in and out of the story only to appear to ease the criticism of the comic book fan boys. Wolverine had every chance to be outstanding, but the writers and director never knew what story they were trying to tell. It’s a pretty awful film if you take a step back and really soak in the suck.
2. The Jonas Brothers Concert
I don’t hate them for being a boy band, and I don’t hate them for being famous in spite of their lack of talent, I hate them because in spite of all their these kids never seem to have any fun on stage. This concert film (If you want to call it a concert film) attempts to explore their bond as brothers but what we’re seeing are arrogant young pricks who don’t know how to treat their fans. How else can you explain a concert movie being barely ninety minutes long with almost all of the performances chopped up just to show us that yes they are indeed brothers who have fun and are totally not Christian propagandists secretly promoting their religion to their audience. Because Christians rock harder after all. Promise Rings? Give me a break.
1. Halloween 2: H2
I honestly don’t hate it for being another remake from the one trick pony that is Rob Zombie, it’s just the fact that Zombie ends up way in over his head trying to over analyze Michael Myers and opting instead for a slow paced thriller that features Myers as the star of Laurie Strode’s nightmares! There’s Michael’s mommy issues, Laurie’s dream issues, and everyone else who either looks stoned half the time while Zombie’s own juvenile script induces cringes and nauseating one liners at every turn.
He also tries to sympathize for the shape as a tortured man who allows himself to be abused by everyone and responds with gutting them like sick pigs for no reason other than to put the gore and brutality on display for the Zombie hounds who will swallow anything the man feeds them. “Halloween II” is very much the worst movie of 2009 and it’s also the most boring horror film of the year. What’s worse than a bad slasher? A boring slasher!