10. Blood & Chocolate
It’s a shame that the movies with the most interesting concepts always end up sucking the most. I looked forward to “Skinwalkers” and from the looks of it, it was a failure, and the same goes for “Blood & Chocolate” a film that is just nothing more than spin off of Anne Rice’s shtick turning werewolves into cheesy Goths who battle over women and hunt people in the woods for no real apparent reason. And like a bad Saturday morning cartoon they transform by the light of a rainbow and all of their clothes and jewelry also transforms with them. There’s also the director’s attempts to mimick Parkour by having his characters running and bouncing off of walls with their feet for no reasons at all. For all intents and purposes Agnes Bruckner is still a fox, but this movie is more of her wasted potential.
9. Dragon Wars
There’s a character who has a flashback, and then he has a flashback which involves him being told a story that leads us to a flashback. It sounds like a bad spoof of fantasy movies doesn’t it? Well, it’s actually here and it’s not played for comedy, believe it or not. It’s actually the horrible “Dragon Wars,” a film touted as an equivalent to “Transformers” that actually was all kinds of terrible. From under developed characters, boring villains who are evil for the sake of being evil, and a hilariously sympathetic ending. You have to hate it. I do.
8. Rush Hour 3
Felix thinks “Rush Hour 3” sucked, Felix sat through this to review for someone and Felix had a hard time sitting through what was basically a repackaged pastiche of shit from the first two movies, and even more so, Felix couldn’t believe that Brett Ratner likened Christ Tucker to Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy.
Felix thinks Chris Tucker needs to rethink his comedy schtick.
The nineties are over.
7. Dan in Real Life
I tend to think of this piece of crap as a bleak sequel to “40 Year Old Virgin” where even though things didn’t work out well for Andy, he still met the girl of his dreams yet again. From Dane Cook thankfully downplayed by still not being able to stand out among the muck, right down to three of the most obnoxious children characters I’ve seen in years, I’m convinced that Steve Carrell needs a great comeback, sorely. Hopefully “Get Smart” does the trick.
6. A Mighty Heart
I remember someone defining this as a heartbreaking drama. And when I was done, I felt disgusted. Because really it’s just a manipulative and self-righteous portrait of a gruesome crime that should have been taken seriously and not become a forum for Angelina Jolie to give an awfully melodramatic performance and gun for the Oscar.
5. The Hills Have Eyes II / Night of the Living Dead 3D
I got into a conversation with someone in a store about this movie and we spent twenty minutes discussing the arm waving scene. That’s all we talked about. That’s all that was worth talking about. This movie is so painfully bad that it convinced me to completely dismiss everything I ever liked about Wes Craven, who wrote the screenplay incidentally. There’s also the ridiculous and incredibly unnecessary second remake to the classic zombie movie that attempts to dismiss every bit of horrible production quality it possesses with the gimmick of 3D that’s not even fun to begin with.
The torture fad on its last legs, and Elisha Cuthbert is gunning for that Oscar by drinking the body part smoothie. Oh me oh my. I opted NOT to include “Hostel Part II” here, mainly because while it did suck, badly, it really just wasn’t one of the worst ever made. This one however has reached an almost universal reaction of collective bad reviews. The only thing to really come out of it that was beneficial to us was revealing the folks who actually rooted for censorship after the billboard fiasco.
3. Rob Zombie’s Halloween
Or as I call it: “The Devil’s Rejects: Haddonfield,” both versions of Zombie’s Halloween was about as fun as constipation and will continue to rot like a piece of meat. Zombie took everything evil and supernatural about Michael and completely sucked it out and then changes his mind in the finale to give us Supernatural Michael yet again. All the while Michael is looking for his sister still unaware that he doesn’t know what she looks like. For all he knew he could have been stalking a movie star or bag lady.
2. Margot at the Wedding
Smug, self-aware, self-indulgent and excruciating. When the most interesting moment of the film involves Nicole Kidman trying to pick a fly out of her ear, you know you’re in trouble. I wish I could have enjoyed this as much as “The Squid and the Whale,” but alas, I despised every single moment from Kidman’s masturbation scene, to Jack Black crying like a baby after being beaten by a yuppy.
1. Spider-Man 3
No, no, no, no, no, I refuse to believe Sam Raimi made this with the genuine belief that it would be great. No! This is the director of the Evil Dead movie, and Dark Man, no! He did it on purpose! That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it. Peter Parker dancing in front of a clothing store, shooting at girls with his fingers, Mary Jane is a pure cunt, and don’t forget That 70’s Venom. No! It sucked on purpose!
There’s Venom who is reduced to a blubbering mess and is blown to smithereens like a Looney Tunes villain, Sandman who has a heart to heart with Spider-Man before blowing away like dust in the wind, and the convenient butler who strikes goodness in villainous Harry Osborne. This had to have sucked on purpose. Why does it deserve the top spot beyond the fact it was excruciatingly awful? Mainly because a movie that was as overblown and as heavily advertised as this that ended up being a overwrought mess deserves the punishment it receives.
OVERBLOWN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER:
I like to think of it as “Tranny Porn,” a year where one of the most mediocre movies ever made is graced by nearly everyone as a masterpiece. Go ahead, thrash at me, “Transformers: The Movie” sucked, and by the last action packed half hour, I really didn’t give a shit anymore.
FAVORITE GUILTY PLEASURE:
Damn it, I loved “I Am Legend” up until the last hour. Will Smith changes my mind about his acting ability, and I absolutely fell in love with Samantha. Kudos, but it will always be that guilty pleasure for the horribly tacked on finale, and the ridiculously obvious CGI monsters. And there is of course “P2” a wonderful piece of B Grade horror about a psycho security guard who traps a busty blond woman in a parking lot during Christmas. Deliriously stupid, and yet so damn fun.