The Halfway House (2004)

5FK3cEddie: Who’s my sweet baby bitch?
Cherry Pie: I am.
Eddie: That’s right.

In the mood for a lesbian horror thriller? Well, who isn’t? And “The Halfway House” will surely cure what ails you. It’s a movie that is so awful, it’s actually quite entertaining, and “The Halfway House” rises to occasion in terms of garbage, but throughout the entire run time, I did enjoy some of it. About thirty percent of it, which would account for the generous rating. It’s cheesy and exploitative, but it’s also pretty fun, especially when the “screenwriter” rips lines from other films (in the climax, the heroine spouts “Smile, you son of a bitch” before killing the monster).

With films like “The Halfway House” you take a sense of honest knowledge in understanding why most of the people involved here go without work. You also have to wonder what the creator’s were thinking upon their production of “The Halfway House” which is a rip off of “Cellblock Sisters” (A personal favorite), and “Suspiria”. When the first five minutes involve a young girl getting sacrificed to a large monster in the buff, you can’t help but feel a sense of wonder at how any studio would make a film such as this. Either way, “The Halfway House” is a passable and cheesy B film, and a slightly enjoyable one at that. Larissa’s sister has just been killed mysteriously. You’d wonder if she had a sister, why wasn’t she living with Larissa who seemed to be in a stable house.

But, then, if she was living with her, why would they just grab her from the street if they had a whole house filled with potential sacrifices. Regardless, Larissa is turned down by the police department and is helped by a rogue officer who helps her because he wants to bang her, and bang her he does in an over long sequence. The rest of the film–well–involves Larissa being admitted in the halfway house, investigating the weird activity, and having sex with a fellow inmate. With hilariously horrible acting on par with any porno on Skinemax, it’s your common story about a house for wayward youths (all of whom look to be ages 25-30) being devoured by a giant–I want to say Grasshopper? Maybe a mantis? Well–a giant bug, let’s say.

A giant bug that prefers to eat nude hot virgins. But then again, who doesn’t? Regardless, at times, it’s all just so bad it’s entertaining what with a villain story comprising the always reliable plot device: the necronomicon. It’s always the necronomicon. Even when it’s not the necronomicon it’s always the necronomicon. And what’s funnier than a villainess that looks like a queen from “Flash Gordon”? Or a villainess who wants to take over the world by mating with the giant bug? You just can’t completely hate a movie like this. When will these low budget filmmakers learn that digital cameras make the film look worse? Granted, it’s easier to have digital cameras than film cameras, but if its a low budget film you want to make look professional, why not just film it in a regular film camera instead of a digital camera that looks a lot like a handheld camcorder?

Paired with your usual stock score of synthesizers, and odd freestyle music at the end credits, “The Halfway House” is a forgettable folly of a farce, that fails to fully adhere to anything even remotely coherent. Why would this halfway house have only two people working there? Why bunk these girls together? Why have windows that look out on the city for easy escape? Did no one notice the sacrificial alter in the basement? Was that built, or did they include that in the blue prints? It makes no sense, and the writer doesn’t seem to want to make a lick of sense. I live in a sad world where people will spend over thirty dollars to go to the movies just to see an actress, I live in a sad world where people would gladly sit through ninety minutes of crap just to see a boob, so if you’re one of those people, “The Halfway House” should be a big heaping helping of fun for you. I liked it in the guilty pleasure sense, and in spite of being really bad, it’s also really entertaining.