10. Batman and Robin
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Not even the Filipino and Turkish rip off s of Batman are as bad as this abomination that embraces Batman more than the previous films, but in exchange, rounds out a diasterpiece that’s unwatchable, embarrassing, and ruined the careers of nineties up and comers Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. Only because of his connections and willingness to carve out relevant and excellent films was George Clooney able to come out of this unwatchable farce with barely a scratch. Now wholly diving in to homoerotic imagery and the like, Batman and Robin are a bickering couple of crime fighters who want to struggle for power and fame among Gotham’s citizens.
They run around in bright costumes, fighting other glittery thugs, and even have skates on their boots. What’s missing is a make out scene between Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne. To cut the inherent sexual tension between the two men, the film brings aboard two feminine personalities in the form of Batgirl and Poison Ivy, both of whom have little to do but entice the dynamic duo. “Batman and Robin” is a low in cinema and comic book adaptations that tests my endurance every time I try to sit down and watch it the entire way through.
9. Cool as Ice
Directed by: David Kellogg
The white rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, the ghetto rapper with the 20,000 dollar motorcycle, the rich girl he fell for, the rich girl who dropped zeroes to get with… well–another zero. Ah, what a masterpiece this was. Back in the early nineties when horrible music clogged the radio on an almost obscene basis, Vanilla Ice was big. I’ll admit even I was a fan back then. Attempting to market on his success as a “rapper”, they created this movie which had Vanilla Ice driving around in a ridiculous motorcycle in horrible clothes spouting horrible dialogue with a horrible performance, and ice was bad.
The “shocking” discovery that he was not a ghetto rapper from the hood and really apart of the middle class was not really the death of his career, it was truly his cameo in “TMNT2”, his appearances in “Tiger Beat”, and really, this film. The plot was “Dirty Dancing” meets “Romeo & Juliet” except not as deep as the aforementioned and as tepid as a kiddy pool. Vanilla Ice ultimately faded into the background into obscurity as a living joke and you can now buy this for: 100 bucks. Yes, you heard right.
8. Car 54, Where Are You?
Directed by: Bill Fishman
This is why I gave up wanting to be a film maker. Imagine you start your first film and then voila, it’s quite possibly the worst film ever made. And a Television adaptation to boot. Wow. I remember sitting down to watch this stinking pile of excrement when I was little. and continue to remember only that I truly despised this with a passion. I felt like I violated in the end, almost grossed out and dirty. Extreme? Yes. Melodramatic? Yes. Bad film? Oh god yes. Yes, yes.
I consider this one of the worst movies of all-time. Bar none. This is yet another take off from a cult show starring one hit wonder and obnoxious personality David Johansen, the talented John C. McGinley (what the hell are you doing
here?), and Rosie O’Donnell in one of the most heaping piles of excrement ever served to mankind. I can’t really manage to remember the entirety of the horror I witnessed first hand upon first viewing of this junk, but I can tell you: it wasn’t pretty. Not by a long shot.
Directed by: Vondie Curtis-Hall
I liked Mariah Carey in her early days. She was really hot, worth a sex fantasy every now and then, sang many catchy, and sad ballads, and really had talent. But, much like many of the music stars in the nineties, her career began to seriously wane. And like most desperate singers clinging to their momentum, Mariah attempted to revive her career by releasing a “semi-autobiographical” movie about her life. This wouldn’t have been much of a problem, because she still had fans then. But sadly, the end result was not as thrilling as we had hoped. The problem with “Glitter” ultimately is that it was bad, purely bad.
Really bad. What artists continue to fail to realize is that music fans are fickle so no one came to see this. Also, the soundtrack–released simultaneously–bombed big time. The story of her fame brings about every cliché in the book, even featuring a desperate last attempt with a tear-jerking and ultimately nauseating finale, but worst of all, we’re subjected to really bad acting all around especially by Carey who shows that her talents lie in singing, and singing only. She made one more movie after this and then, we’ve yet to see another installment from her.
6. Bad Company
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
So, Rock, Hopkins, and Schumacher collect a quick paycheck, and we’re subjected to one of the worst mismatched buddy movies since god knows when, a really bad action film filled with awful dialogue, one-line jokes from Rock that fall flatter than a fat kid on a slip n’ slide, and Rock again shows why he’s my least favorite comedian. In a basically generic and ridiculous plot, Rock plays duel roles as a smart talking hustler whose twin brother dies and now must pretend to be his twin as a smart talking agent.
Poor Anthony Hopkins plays his usual authoritarian role delivering bland dialogue and look incredibly bored, while we’re forced through the usual one-dimensional terrorist villains, and more really bad jokes from Rock. “Bad Company” is a basic flip of the bird from Schumacher who explains to the audience, through this cinematic regurgitation, why he’s a really filmmaker who should be laughed out of show business.
5. Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle
Directed by: McG
It’s as if someone said “You know, “Charlie’s Angels” didn’t really suck enough. How can we make it shittier?” Well, “Full Throttle” is the surefire answer for the lengths of suck-titude that can be accomplished when you put your mind to it. McG is a crappy director, the writers whom I refuse to name suck really badly, and you team that up with a ridiculous plot and three pretty bad actresses, and you have this. This dreck. This trash. This is what all flash and no substance amounts to with a very bright, and migraine inducing film that really only amounts to a two hour parade of product placements, and conveniently placed nudity.
It’s shocking how hypocritical the MPAA are granting this film, featuring a lot of skin and crafty sexual references a PG-13, yet better films have been given a hard R for mild references to drugs. “Whale Rider” in particular which is a complete children’s film, but was given a PG-13 rating for featuring a completely unnoticed (unless pointed out) unintentional drug reference. And yet this film was allowed to garner a teen demographic for what reason? “Full Throttle” explores the sheer talentless flair of McG and his ability to take a bad concept and turn it even worse.
4. The Mod Squad
Directed by: Scott Silver
Such hype, such suspense, such anticipation, only for this piece of crap. I admit that I was very excited to see this when it first came out. I mean it looked excellent to begin with, and you had these three hip star, and then a sputter. After watching it, I was angry, really angry at how bad this movie was. This is one of the worst TV show/movie revivals to come along ever. It’s worse than “I-Spy”, it’s worse than “The Honeymooners”. It’s a bad movie when you feel sick afterward, but when it infuriates you, then that’s a whole other story.
This gave me such a huge headache with it’s really big budget, a very dull plotline, and bad action, a murky plotline for nothing, along with really bad acting by the all-star cast including one of my favorites Giovanni Ribisi (What were you thinking?!) and drastically changed storyline that didn’t even stay faithful to the original television show. So much could have been done with this plot and concept. A new age action epic, potential style, and potentially slick direction, but an immense antecedent. Ultimately, it’s drab, depressing, and very badly written. It’s no wonder this movie went out of print and is very hard to find on DVD and or VHS.
Directed by: James Cameron
I really wanted to like this movie, I really did, but god. it’s awful, and it’s just completely baffling how people continue to consider it a great film. I attempted to watch it three times because I put up hope I’d like it more by viewing it again and again, but the more I watched it, the more I found flaw. This is a piece of hackery that cares more about special effects and wowing the audience than actually telling a human story. And instead of giving us an episodic story with a group of characters to care about, we’re supposed to only care about the two most vapid characters on film.
James Cameron who directed favorites of mine such as “The Terminator” and “True Lies” poorly directs this manic depressive, grim tale of romance, love, and tragedy. Leonardo DiCaprio who starred in excellent films such as “This Boy’s Life”, and “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” was never able to re-claim his acting buzz after this movie because he pretty much lost all credibility as a star when he became a teen idol. The romance is basically un-interesting and mind-numbingly dull with your typical poor boy meets rich girl plotline. I never really cared for any of the characters and I felt this didn’t need to be so long. The highest grossing movie of all-time at the moment, this has to be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.
2. Cabin Fever
Directed by: Eli Roth
You suck, Eli Roth. Not suck, suck, but suck like Paris Hilton, suck like Jenna Jameson working, suck like Uwe Boll. Tits, gore, and gratuitous sex does not make a horror movie, and anyone who declares Roth as “The Future of horror” really does deserve a truly swift hard kick in the ass. “Cabin Fever” is quite possibly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. A film that has undeserved cult status, a film considered “a throwback” when really it was just Roth demonstrating how impossible it is for him to construct an original film with original plot elements, so he combines movie references in to a sloppy hybrid.
With ridiculous gore, a pointless story, plot holes galore, and really bad acting, Roth shows he’s not talented enough to hold Romero’s jock strap. Stop milking the fact you’re friends with Tarantino, you moron, your films are crap, and the fact you’re working on a “Baywatch” movie, and would kill to work with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen only shows how stupid you are. People will learn soon. “Cabin Fever” was a horribly written unscary “horror” movie, and the follow-up “Hostel” was watchable, but still pretty damn crappy. I’m still angry that I paid ten bucks to watch this trash.
1. Battlefield Earth: The Saga of 3000 Years
Directed by: Robert Christian
But it’s not as bad as this which is a strong contender for the worst movie nearly making it to number one. Mel Gibson, I’m sure you know John Travolta, I’m sure you know the man. You saw his utter defeat yet you still went ahead with your religious themed film. Granted, it was a huge hit, but you took a true risk there. As for John Travolta, never an actor with dignity, but still a very good actor altogether, he felt he had to fuse his religion with film. So, “Battlefield Earth” was born, and it sunk. John Travolta, a member of the religion known as Scientology had this wacky notion that if he created a movie based on the religion, basically focusing on and preaching his religion hidden beneath Science Fiction, he would have a blockbuster on his hands. Boy, was he wrong. A movie so bad Roger Corman shuddered, it was a movie so bad you could hear Ed Wood turning in his grave.
The movie centered around an alien race whom have basically taken over the world but it was purely laughable. How, exactly did Travolta sneak in his religious views. Watch closely and you’ll learn. Scientology dismisses psychology completely and views it as a phony “Nazi” science, thus the aliens were called the “Psyclos”, they brainwashed others to convert to them, and they had these metal plates at the sides of their heads. Thus, religious propaganda, not to mention Hubbard’s “legend” was sprinkled here and there with that whole second coming and what not. Wouldn’t it be weird if on judgment day instead of a powerful god, a failed author came down from the heavens? That’d be wicked.