Cinema Crazed

2007

Rated: Unrated

Genre: Horror Thriller

Directed By: Justin French

Running Time: 1:51

Review by: Felix Vasquez Jr.

Review Date: 9/4/08

Special Features:
Director's Commentary
Trailer
Deleted Scenes
Alternate Endings
Making Of
Preview of Frozen Flesh 2

FROZEN FLESH: UNCUT EDITION

Imagine if Tim and Eric (of “Awesome show, Great Job!”) decided one day to make an honest to goodness horror movie, and they brought their sensibilities and comedic surrealism to a slasher flick and what you’d basically get is “Frozen Flesh.” Justin French is going for a Giallo effect, the kind of movie like “Guinea Pig” that chronicles the making of a human hand and a masked man intent on eating it. And we spend an hour and fifty one motherfucking goddamn minutes on it. I’m sorry did I completely give away my credibility by swearing in a review? It’s just that we spend an hour and fifty one motherfucking minutes on a movie that could have easily been five minutes. Ten tops. He takes out the severed hand.

He roasts and prepares the hand, and then he… stabs at it. For more than a half hour. No, I’m not kidding. He stabs in slow motion, then quickly, then slowly, then it freezes, and then I smash my head on to my desk trying to crush my wind pipe. The hand simply doesn’t look genuine. We know it’s a prop. The music is library stock at best, and the camera tricks make no attempts at ever flexing the directorial abilities. And I couldn’t understand why we’re told he’s preparing a meal when we never quite see him eat the damn thing. He stabs at it… for forty minutes!

As another self-important internet armchair critic, I’ve enjoyed some of the most interesting movies that would deem me a pompous ass (and for good reason!), but there’s not a single thing behind “Frozen Flesh” that would inspire a visceral hint of praise of me. It’s not scary, it’s not artistic, it’s barely even a narrative when all is said and done. It’s a man in a black mask stabbing at and preparing a hand for dinner. That’s all it is for nearly two hours! I’m sure Mr. French injected a lot of effort in to… stabbing for two hours and filming the stabbing, and slowing down the stabbing, and stabbing the fake hand, and stabbing at the air, but… it’s only shocking that the press kit presumes this mess to be the most shocking horror film ever made. I’ve seen better frights on Public Access Television.

I hate to be a bastard to another indie filmmaker offering up their horror flick for review, but man “Frozen Flesh” may not have been so terrible if it were squeezed down to ten minutes. Why almost two hours of nothing is beyond me. It’s awful.

For more information on "Frozen Flesh" and how to purchase it, visit the official website.

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